Humour

Government vs People

Coffee

Pocket Taser Gun, A Great Gift For The Wife?

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.   Awesome!!!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.   Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,… right?  
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?   So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.   All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"   What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best…..   I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad…. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!   I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"   Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.   SON-OF-A- … that hurt like hell!!!
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.   Still in shock…

Natal Curry Eating Contest

 

Why is Curry so popular?

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is! They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.Please take time to read this excerpt slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

Judge No.3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and so I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal ‘Indians’) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY No. 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge No. 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge No. 3 (Frank) — Holy s##t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI No.2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge No. 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge No. 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY No. 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge No. 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge No. 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI No. 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge No. 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge No. 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI No. 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge No. 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge No. 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge No. 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI No. 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge No. 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge No. 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge no. 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to sh!t myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI No.7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge No. 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge No. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge No. 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI No. 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…

Judge No. 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge No. 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge No.3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge No. 3 – No Report

 

The Price Of Technology

Kids Toys

Reset Sign

Frozen Windows

Wife texts husband:  "Windows frozen. What must i do?"

Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water on it."

Wife texts back: "Now the computer is completely stuffed."

 

The Husband Store

 

A  store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day! 

Workaholic

Current Specials

Current Specials

Current Specials